To :
The citizens of the
United States of
America
From
Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the
Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not
fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a
Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'
'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and
the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be
expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look
up 'vocabulary'
.
2.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.
There is no such thing as U. S. English.
We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to
take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and
the elimination of '-ize.'
3.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be
independent. Guns should only be used for shooting
grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot
grouse.
5.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
public.
6.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.
7.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.
Get used to
it.
8.
You will learn to make real chips.
Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things
you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.
Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with catsup but with
vinegar.
9.
The cold, tasteless stuff you
insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are
pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can
only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British
Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will
be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be
sold without risk of further confusion.
10.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching Andie
MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral
was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese
grater.
11.
You will cease playing
American football. There is only one kind of proper football;
you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body amour like a bunch of
nannies).
12.
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which
is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are
aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you
face the Australians first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.
13.
You must tell us who killed
JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition
of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15.
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies)
and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in
season.
God Save
the Queen
Die Welle
Mortified
